Turkey's days are numbered.
In light of recent terrorist attacks in Turkey, President George W. Bush has announced that turkey will not be pardoned this Thanksgiving. Breaking from tradition, the President has declared turkey a new front in the fight against terrorism and high cholesterol. When asked by a reporter if the president was confusing Turkey, the country, with turkey, the bird, the president vehemently reiterated that they are linked just like Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein.
"This whole turkey pardoning business started back with Lincoln and a plea from his child. I never listen to my children's pleas for help or any other person's, especially in matters this important. I think Lincoln made a gravy mistake. Remember, this was the man who brought our country to the brink of destruction with war. Plus I was never very comfortable with the whole pardoning bit anyway," the President told reporters.
According to anonymous sources, this year's presidential turkey, named Freedom, didn't put up much of a legal fight during the double super secret military tribunal. After a few seconds deliberation, Freedom was declared "gobble gobble ... gobble gobble gobble." Currently, Freedom along with Justice, Liberty, and Constitution are in transit down to Guantanamo Bay to join the rest of the fowl combatants. Red Cross officials recently criticized the administration for detaining so many turkeys without justifiable cause. In response, Defense Secretary Rumsfield replied, "We will put them out of their misery soon. I'm personally having one over for dinner on Thanksgiving."
disclaimer: this is satire; please don't sue us.
A missed opportunity often comes back to bite you in the ...
by Rebecca
A missed opportunity often comes back to bite you in the ass! A week ago Tuesday, a special election was held in Multnomah County, Oregon. On the ballot were two measures, that, had they passed, would have been the first steps to put public utilities into the hands of the public: the public being all of us who receive utility services from PGE, which is currently owned by the now bankrupt corporate giant Enron. The lack of voter turnout on this important matter was appalling. Only 30% of us bothered to be heard. 30%!!! Admittedly, I am not included in that percentage as I failed to fill out and mail my ballot. My reasoning? Well, I assumed that on such an important matter everyone else would 'get on the wagon' and my vote wouldn't be necessary to make it happen. What a wake up call! Obviously I am not the only soul experiencing this reasoning. I find it alarming that so many of us think we don't matter, that we can't make a difference. Apathy is dangerous in these times, with the state of our nation and the world on uncertain ground. Our control of our communities, as well as our freedom to live our lives as we choose, dwindles each time we fail to make ourselves heard; each time we fail to act as a community.
Next time you receive a ballot in the mail, use some of your valuable time to make a difference in your life, in our community. Don't make the mistake of thinking that someone else will get on the ball for you. Register, stay informed, use the power given to us all before it becomes truly obsolete.
For information on voting in Oregon visit: www.sos.state.or.us/elections/votreg/vreg.htm
