A press conference was held at the Surry Nuclear Power Plant today, responding to claims that Donald Rumsfeld has escaped from his testing laboratory. What was supposed to be a top-secret experiment has turned into a national disaster and global concern. Scientist David Rastmer, Ph.D. gave a press conference today, admitting to a year-long research project designed to create a "super-human" Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. It is still unclear as to what went wrong, but as of 9 am today, the mutated Rumsfeld escaped the lab and ran off into the wilderness.
"We were nowhere near completion," reports Rastmer, "all we've given him is super-human speed and the ability to breathe underwater. Also, he has the ability to turn into a wall, seeming invisible to those without specially designed optical lenses."
Scientists contacted military officials immediately after the escape. State and local police were sent into the wilderness to find the Defense Secretary. "We didn't think we'd ever have to worry about something like this. [Rumsfeld] was always excited about the possibilities of being a super-human, and he was patient, agreeable, and helpful in the lab. Some colleagues think it was the mutated hormones we were giving him to withstand nuclear exposure."
Rastmer reported that the original idea of a mutant Rumsfeld came from the Pentagon. "They called us and offered us about 1/3 of the defense budget (roughly $133 billion) just to mutate Donald. We couldn't turn down that type of money, plus imagine the research we'd gain from this!" Pentagon officials did not deny the reports of the "Super-Rummy Project", claiming it was based on the ideas of The Five Chinese Brothers, a childhood book many officials recalled reading. "We discussed the idea of one man having all the abilities that those brothers possessed, and how incredible it could be," reported General Richard C Humpling. "When it came down to applying the idea to an actual person, of course Secretary Rumsfeld was the natural answer."
When alerted of Rumsfeld's escape, President Bush immediately ordered the firing of missiles at Russia, misunderstanding the word "Rumsfeld." After the clarification and apology to our soviet brothers, Bush had this to say to the press: "As a nation, it is an unimpossiblity to ever conceive what Secretary Rumsfeld has done for our country. His willingness to exceed the uncompromised patriotism of this country, bringing the nation's defense into his own DNA, will forever be honored and never unforgotten. There is no better warrior against terror and for freedom than this man/mutant/fish. If anyone out there sees Secretary Rumsfeld, please alert him that I need my blueprints for Cuba's invasion back."
Rumsfeld has been spotted running at what spectators report as "totally fast speed" throughout the countryside of Virginia. It is estimated that with his top speed and aqua-lungs, he could reach France by Sunday morning. An alert was issued by the military to "old Europe" that Rumsfeld still might foster some anger over the reluctance of certain countries from joining in on the invasion of Iraq in 2003.